worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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