Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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