final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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