i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
My vagina just recognized that song.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
