I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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