I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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