theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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