Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
