I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Someone stole a lamp last night.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
