Me. At least after what I've been through.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
