I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
