The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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