btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
