So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Randomize