Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
