Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
