Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
