Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
