I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
