Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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