why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
it was like eating out sand paper
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
