you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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