I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize