If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize