last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
