i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
