he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
