what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
