PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
