what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
