Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Can i not drive my cunt home
Jerry, you need to find god
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
