I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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