I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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