Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
