dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
