um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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