I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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