I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
