shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
