Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
