I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
