You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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