some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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