apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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