forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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