Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
