Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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