no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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