he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Randomize
