Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
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