He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
