I don't usually arrange sex via text message
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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