Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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